I have many thoughts about children and famiy in church. "Common wisdom" in mainline churches is that kids leave the church after high school and return to get married (for a while) but really come back to church when they are parents. As parents they realize that they want their children baptized and brought up with some type of values. Although I think this is faulty logic - it does play out in many people's lives.
Today I was struck by how opposite the feeling is for people who were serving and living in a church community during their twenties. Once they become parents it is much more difficult to remain connected and involved with the community as a whole. Although I have yet to experience it - I have seen it in other parents. They struggle to get everyone there and then in most churches you are broken up by age groups - so you really aren't "in church" as a family. If you are a part of any group one parent watches the kids while the other participates as "an adult". Sometimes there is child care - but in smaller churches this is really difficult. If there are Sunday night events it can be difficult to attend because it throws off bedtimes and makes it hard to get ready for the upcoming week. Actually, any type of night time activity can become a struggle as you weigh your child's routine with your fellowship and participation.
I have had high minded philosophies about intergenerational home, cell, heart group types of exepriences - but I am not so sure how that would really work. I am also reminded that church isn't really about the building where you go on Sunday's, but more about the community that you are a part of and that can take many different forms. As my husband and I enter into parenthood I hope that we can creatively fulfill the needs of our family and live in the body of Christ. Having young children is a season, of course, but it is a season that can greatly impact family values and growth.
Then there is the question about ministry to your family and balancing that with other ministry within the church and beyond its walls . . . but that's another issue for another day.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
"In America" Family Values Worth Watching
Netflix was created for people like my husband. He needs the expansive vault of movies because he rarely watches movies that others have even heard of (as I type he is watching an Australian movie about the Boer War). Most of the time, he watches movies while I surf the Internet or read. He does have a method to his movie madness, but I haven't really figured it out yet.
A few weeks ago he requested a film called "In America" (PG-13) about a family immigrating from Ireland to America in the 1980's. I didn't realize that it had been nominated for a number of awards, but after watching it, I can see why. I don't remember anyone talk about it (it came out in 2003) so I am going to fill you in on it.
The movie draws you in as the border guard asks the parents how many children they have. One responds two and the other three, then he remembers that one of their children passed away. This is done at the same time that the oldest daughter is thinking about the three wishes that she will use in the name of her departed brother. From the beginning there is loss and faith - you want to know which will overcome.
My English teacher always used to say "Show don't tell" (thus the reason I write essays - I am much better at telling!). This movie shows faith, family and strength in the midst of hard circumstances. It shows what it means to reallly love your neighbor (even if he is scary at first). It isn't preachy and probably isn't what people typically think of when they hear the phrase "family values" but it illustrates those values superbly. Probably, in part, because the movie was written by a family in honor of their deceased brother. You can feel the passion, loss and hope for renewal throughout the film.
Sometimes my husband finds real gems worth watching. This movie challenged me to consider many questions: What does it mean to love my neighbor? Where is God when it hurts? Can love and faith really overcome? It also brought me to tears. My husband began to apologize for getting an "upsetting" movie. I think we need to be upset by these questions and our poor responses and brought to tears by the strength of others overcoming faith more often.
PS - They don't have a Christian faith per se, but their actions challenge us to consider our own faith.
A few weeks ago he requested a film called "In America" (PG-13) about a family immigrating from Ireland to America in the 1980's. I didn't realize that it had been nominated for a number of awards, but after watching it, I can see why. I don't remember anyone talk about it (it came out in 2003) so I am going to fill you in on it.
The movie draws you in as the border guard asks the parents how many children they have. One responds two and the other three, then he remembers that one of their children passed away. This is done at the same time that the oldest daughter is thinking about the three wishes that she will use in the name of her departed brother. From the beginning there is loss and faith - you want to know which will overcome.
My English teacher always used to say "Show don't tell" (thus the reason I write essays - I am much better at telling!). This movie shows faith, family and strength in the midst of hard circumstances. It shows what it means to reallly love your neighbor (even if he is scary at first). It isn't preachy and probably isn't what people typically think of when they hear the phrase "family values" but it illustrates those values superbly. Probably, in part, because the movie was written by a family in honor of their deceased brother. You can feel the passion, loss and hope for renewal throughout the film.
Sometimes my husband finds real gems worth watching. This movie challenged me to consider many questions: What does it mean to love my neighbor? Where is God when it hurts? Can love and faith really overcome? It also brought me to tears. My husband began to apologize for getting an "upsetting" movie. I think we need to be upset by these questions and our poor responses and brought to tears by the strength of others overcoming faith more often.
PS - They don't have a Christian faith per se, but their actions challenge us to consider our own faith.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Entering into Parenting
Although my enneagram says that I am a 1, I am almost a 5 - the researcher/observer. So obviously, for someone who wants to be right and loves to research I have read and thought about many subjects. Recently, you may have endured my gains in "parenting wisdom" - thank you for humoring me. Although my former job as "mom" to 30 high schoolers gave me a inkling of what it's like to parent - in about 3 weeks the rubber meets the road and my husband and I will become parents. I am sure everyone is anxious to see how our musings work out in real life! Please don't laugh and point too much!
There are a few things that I do think are valuable that I hope to remember as we become parents:
1. Tracy Hogg (the Baby Whisperer) talks about "beginning as you mean to go". I think that's one reason I've read, thought and prayed about this a lot. I want to have some sort of plan about where we are going so that we can start off on the right foot. Of course, a lot will depend on the personality of our little guy, but that is part of the adventure.
2. Be careful what you reinforce. Actually this lesson came from St. Augustine's Confessions. We are reading it in home group (yes, we are nerdy). The lesson yesterday talked about a culture that prized how you said things, not what you were saying. So you could say foul things, but as long as it sounded eloquent- it was acceptable. He also spoke about being more broken up over stories he was reading than the sin and issues in his own life (it sounded like people that can tell you the intrigue on Big Brother but aren't sure what's happening with their neighbor). So, I want to be thoughtful about what we value and encourage as a family.
3. Develop your family culture. I like the approach of Never Mind the Joneses (see sidebar) because he emphasizes some core values that families should consider - but does not expect everyone to adopt and use them in the same way. He confirms that there is no "one right way" to be a family, but every family should seek out how they are called to be a family. Sometimes, it seems like there is a "model family" and if you fall short of that ideal then you are not glorifying God. God is a God of diversity and he expects us to be who He created us to be - not like the Joneses.
4. The last thing is to be a team. I think talking about, praying about and knowing your kids can help you deal with the "suggestions" and decisions that come your way (even from well meaning friends, like me). If you've already discussed these things then you have some idea of where you are going, what you value and how you'll get there then you can guide your child in the way they should go.
We have been fortunate to be a part of a community with many families that are just beginning and they all look different (personality, style, job, etc.). I am excited to see what our family will grow into. So there are more musings - we'll see how these thoughts hold up as we put theory into practice.
There are a few things that I do think are valuable that I hope to remember as we become parents:
1. Tracy Hogg (the Baby Whisperer) talks about "beginning as you mean to go". I think that's one reason I've read, thought and prayed about this a lot. I want to have some sort of plan about where we are going so that we can start off on the right foot. Of course, a lot will depend on the personality of our little guy, but that is part of the adventure.
2. Be careful what you reinforce. Actually this lesson came from St. Augustine's Confessions. We are reading it in home group (yes, we are nerdy). The lesson yesterday talked about a culture that prized how you said things, not what you were saying. So you could say foul things, but as long as it sounded eloquent- it was acceptable. He also spoke about being more broken up over stories he was reading than the sin and issues in his own life (it sounded like people that can tell you the intrigue on Big Brother but aren't sure what's happening with their neighbor). So, I want to be thoughtful about what we value and encourage as a family.
3. Develop your family culture. I like the approach of Never Mind the Joneses (see sidebar) because he emphasizes some core values that families should consider - but does not expect everyone to adopt and use them in the same way. He confirms that there is no "one right way" to be a family, but every family should seek out how they are called to be a family. Sometimes, it seems like there is a "model family" and if you fall short of that ideal then you are not glorifying God. God is a God of diversity and he expects us to be who He created us to be - not like the Joneses.
4. The last thing is to be a team. I think talking about, praying about and knowing your kids can help you deal with the "suggestions" and decisions that come your way (even from well meaning friends, like me). If you've already discussed these things then you have some idea of where you are going, what you value and how you'll get there then you can guide your child in the way they should go.
We have been fortunate to be a part of a community with many families that are just beginning and they all look different (personality, style, job, etc.). I am excited to see what our family will grow into. So there are more musings - we'll see how these thoughts hold up as we put theory into practice.
Why G.A.P.?
The acronym G.A.P. is one that I've thought about for a long time. A few years ago I was doing the study "A Mind Like Christ" and obviously a key scripture in that study is Romans 12:2 - being transformed by the renewing of your mind. As I read the end of the statement it talks about His Good, Acceptable and Perfect will - G.A.P. That really struck me for a number of reasons. Right now I'll just share the initial thought.
Below is part of an unsent letter that I originally wrote in November 2002:
Below is part of an unsent letter that I originally wrote in November 2002:
When we think of GAPs we think of holes, things gone wrong, things that we are missing. The phrase “stand in the gap” often means that we are helping to bridge between two things that need connection. When I was studying Romans 12:2, I memorized the end of the verse by remembering GAP – good, acceptable and perfect. When we look at our lives, the gaps are normally far from good, acceptable and perfect. In fact, often we desired that good things would happen in those places, but somehow our best efforts always seems to fall short and there is a gap.
I believe that God desires us to stand in these GAPs but in a different way then we have thought of it before. He desires to stand with us in the hurt places where things have gone wrong and pain has entered in and he would like to begin to reveal to us how he desires to use that for good in our life because we love him. We are all broken creatures and as we read in his word, an acceptable sacrifice is a broken and contrite heart. Not only does he desire to come into the gaps in our life he also desires to help us to stand in his will daily, living a good, acceptable and perfect life. So many of us strive to have just one of those words describe the work we do and the life we live. Through Jesus, God provides a way for us to live like that daily - as a living sacrifice transformed and renewed by Him.
I have other thoughts about what living a GAP life means and we'll talk more about it - this is just the beginning of the pilgrimage.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Tabernacle Community of Pilgrims
In our church group we often talk about how we are the "transition" home group as people move in, move out, have children, change jobs, buy homes and generally live life together (there are only 10 adults - soon to be 7 kids under 4!). I think I am beginning to realize that life is in the changing, not the staying the same. I like things to be right, good and easy to understand but God is not interested in our own righteouness or our clearly laid plans (no matter how great they may sound). Instead, he is seeking pilgrims who are ready to break the rules if it means being TRANSFORMED as we come into relationship with the Triune God and each other.
I have been very blessed to be part of a community that is on a journey with Him - many to random places (Nigeria, France, England, Southeast Asia, etc.). I guess I hope that with this blog and conversation we can help each other on the journey - no matter how far apart we are. I invite you all to join me (and interact with us as a community) as we move forward in this pilgrimage.
It's my prayer that I can keep this perspective in mind:
May we continue to be the body of Christ to each other and encourage each other in the pilgrimage with our Savior as our center.
I have been very blessed to be part of a community that is on a journey with Him - many to random places (Nigeria, France, England, Southeast Asia, etc.). I guess I hope that with this blog and conversation we can help each other on the journey - no matter how far apart we are. I invite you all to join me (and interact with us as a community) as we move forward in this pilgrimage.
It's my prayer that I can keep this perspective in mind:
We will never settle down, and certainly not expect God to settle down, but will travel through life as a part of the tabernacle community of pilgrims who are settled only in the certainty that the Savior is in our midst. Those who have this vision of life discover the blessing of their life's meaning and purpose, which is simply to take the next step towards home. Their relationships, work, and care for others are always perceived as another step in the pilgrimage. That these relationships and workplaces are continually changing is neither inherently good or bad, but inevitable. Pilgrims are neither intimidated nor addicted to these changes, but see them only as the unexpected grace that prevents their souls from settling into anything other than communion with the one who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
M. Craig Barnes
May we continue to be the body of Christ to each other and encourage each other in the pilgrimage with our Savior as our center.
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