Are you trapped in the "crazy cycle"?

Recently a friend recommended a book called Love and Respect. I haven't read it (there are fourteen copies at the library but they are all checked out - we'll have to see what hubby can do). However, just reading ABOUT it has been helpful. It's basic premise is that many marriages are caught in a "crazy cycle" where "without love - she reacts - without respect - he reacts - without love" etc. etc. - thus they cycle. If you go to the website read The Marriage Book and The Diet Book - it is RIGHT on - you will be shaking your head in agreement.

I got the chapter information off of the SAPL website basically this speaks to how we can show love and respect to each other. I think this is pretty public informaiton:

C-o-u-p-l-e : how to spell love to your wife -- Closeness ... she wants you to be close -- Openness--she wants you to open up to her -- Understanding--don't try to "fix her", just listen -- Peacemaking--she wants you to say, "I'm sorry" -- Loyalty--she needs to know you're committed -- Esteem--she wants you to honor and cherish her --

C-h-a-i-r-s : how to spell respect to your husband -- Conquest--appreciate his desire to work and achieve -- Hierarchy--appreciate his desire to protect and provide -- Authority--appreciate his desire to serve and to lead -- Insight--appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel -- Relationship--appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship -- Sexuality--appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy -

So anyway, I hope to actually read the book soon so that I might better understand all these things. But more than that - I probably just need to pray and consider how I can better respect my husband. From other blogs I've seen that there are other acronyms to help you know what words are respectful and loving - but I haven't read so I can't say much about those. So I encourage you to think about how you are meeting your spouses needs! Later I'll talk about what I am learning about how boys learn best - lets just say often it involves moving around!
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Mr./Mrs. Fix It?

Once upon a time I helped put together a marriage conference for all of our friends. There were 12 women who attended and 6 ladies who served as the "marriage" panel. It was a pretty powerful weekend. Anyway, part of our focus that weekend was about misplaced and unspoken expectations hurting a marriage. Recently I have been discovering why some things never happen around our new house - and it's all because of expectations.

In my house growing up my Dad was Mr. Fix It. He really can fix most everything and does (unless it requires special knowledge). However, in my husbands family his mom fixed everything. Somehow, both my husband and I managed to learn almost nothing about fixing anything while we were growing up. (Probably because we expected our spouse of the opposite sex would just come knowing how to do these things - like our parents did). So now, in our house, we each sit around expecting the other to take the initative and have the skills to fix things like leaky sinks, etc.

I think we might be breaking down these expectations though. Recently we had two "fix it" incidents. One incident involved me running into our sliding glass door and breaking it. It hung in place for about 3 days and then my Dad and husband dismantled it shortly after Christmas. (They said I must be tough because a hammer wasn't easily breaking the glass). The other situation was with our dishwasher - it got so clogged that water couldn't get through to wash the dishes. My husband took the initiative and fixed our dishwasher - after reading about it at the library. Who knew a turkey baster had so many uses! So now we have a fixed dishwasher (with much less soap scum) thanks to my husbands good work.

So I think we will have to figure out for our family who does what in the "fix it" department. Often, to be honest, we call our friends and family to help fix it - they are much more knowledgable than we are. But, we are both open to learning and setting new expectations for our marriage and each other in this area. I don't think either of us relish fixing things - but we are learning to do what it takes. Funny how expectations about little things creep in when you least expect it.